A Scientific Analysis of the Jerry Springer Phenomenon in Popular Television Culture
P. J. Stanskas
The Problem:
In the technological confessional under a celebration of lights
attached to cables and cords and power sockets lining the chamber,
everyone is willing to listen. There is nothing uninteresting,
nothing taboo, here. The lens demands details, dirt, even truth
if appropriate under the hush-hush Ratings Guidelines each host
is required to commit to memory and burn. The further duties
of the host include queuing appropriate reactions from the viewers
and prompting salaciousness from the occasionally shy guest.
Personal Note for Further Investigation:
Is an aside still an aside if you know more than a million
people are listening to your every breath in a microphone pinned
to your chest with the volume turned up so loud every viewer can
assess the condition of each guest’s heart? Or is this, in fact,
the point?
Background Terms and Assessment of Cause:
In physics, mass is defined as the amount of stuff an object
possesses. You may think I’m kidding, but look in any
introductory text book and the word “stuff” is bound
to be in the bold-faced definition.
For example, if I say, He’s full of shit,
the obvious physics response would be, How much shit?
What mass does this shit have?
This property is key, especially in the next chapter: Gravity.
Gravity is an attractive force and dependent on the mass
of the object and how far away the television is from your face.
The more shit something embodies and the nearer it is,
the more attractive it is to you.
The Solution:
Since gravity is always attractive, at least slightly, admit it,
and the body described is indeed quite massive and full,
the physics solution is to remove yourself from the proximity
of the object. Wear glasses so that any necessary observation
can be conducted at a distance.
Watch PBS or A&E mysteries when the pull overwhelms.
Always orbit your television quickly and reserve enough energy
that an escape velocity can be reached when required;
this may require you to rotate as you revolve about the apparatus.
As an OSHA regulated safety check,
keep the cord close to the ground during orbit
such that if you are unconsciously too tired to step over it
or your judgment has been sufficiently impaired by product
overuse and, thus, your ability to reach escape velocity
is questionable, you will trip over the cord and de-power
the device before further harm is incurred.