A Scientific Analysis of the Jerry Springer Phenomenon in Popular Television Culture

P. J. Stanskas

The Problem:

In the technological confessional under a celebration of lights

attached to cables and cords and power sockets lining the chamber,

everyone is willing to listen.  There is nothing uninteresting,

nothing taboo, here.  The lens demands details, dirt, even truth

if appropriate under the hush-hush Ratings Guidelines each host

is required to commit to memory and burn.  The further duties

of the host include queuing appropriate reactions from the viewers

and prompting salaciousness from the occasionally shy guest.


Personal Note for Further Investigation:

Is an aside still an aside if you know more than a million

people are listening to your every breath in a microphone pinned

to your chest with the volume turned up so loud every viewer can

assess the condition of each guest’s heart?  Or is this, in fact,

the point?


Background Terms and Assessment of Cause:

In physics, mass is defined as the amount of stuff an object

possesses. You may think I’m kidding, but look in any

introductory text book and the word “stuff” is bound

to be in the bold-faced definition.

For example, if I say, He’s full of shit,

the obvious physics response would be, How much shit?

What mass does this shit have?

This property is key, especially in the next chapter:  Gravity.

Gravity is an attractive force and dependent on the mass

of the object and how far away the television is from your face.

The more shit something embodies and the nearer it is,

the more attractive it is to you.


The Solution:

Since gravity is always attractive, at least slightly, admit it,

and the body described is indeed quite massive and full,

the physics solution is to remove yourself from the proximity

of the object.  Wear glasses so that any necessary observation

can be conducted at a distance.

Watch PBS or A&E mysteries when the pull overwhelms.

Always orbit your television quickly and reserve enough energy

that an escape velocity can be reached when required;

this may require you to rotate as you revolve about the apparatus.

As an OSHA regulated safety check,

keep the cord close to the ground during orbit

such that if you are unconsciously too tired to step over it

or your judgment has been sufficiently impaired by product

overuse and, thus, your ability to reach escape velocity

is questionable, you will trip over the cord and de-power

the device before further harm is incurred.